I'm super depressed right now and I have shit strewn across the floor that needs to be packed.  I don't know what I was thinking taking on this adventure.  I'm not ready for it.  But then again, with my current mindset, I wouldn't be ready for anything.  I'm just all of a sudden rethinking my decision, and that's a horrible thing to do right now.  I need to get my act together, but that's easier said than done.  

There's just so much I haven't done yet.  I can't believe I am going into this as unprepared as I am.  I haven't even figured out what I'm doing for food yet.  I leave in a day and I don't even know how I'm going to pay for this trip.  So much was banking on the fact that I'd have a few weeks of unemployment pay by now, but that went out the window as soon as I got my denial letter.  I'm just too poor to fly across the country and live without income for the next three months.  I guess what I need to do is just buck up and get this done.  If I'm homeless when I get back, so be it.  But that wouldn't really work, because I have a partner and dog depending on my share of the expenses.  Ugh!  I seriously need to snap out of it.  Self apathy sucks!

I'm torn.  This occupy wallstreet thing is really powerful, and I know I will regret not taking part in it, if I choose that route.  I'm torn because I am about to embark on a 2-3 month hike for no purpose other than to hike.  I will not be hiking to raise money for a cause; I will just be walking.  

I recently became unemployed.  Just before my 4 year anniversary with this company, I was fired for 'character flaws'.  First off, why?  Second, it couldn't have been farther from the truth.  I can understand if my personality didn't quite fit with what they were trying to create at this location, but to blatently make up "problems" with me to try and force me to quit?  And then when I sucked it up and continued to work as harder than ever, I was fired in such a way that I cannot obtain unemployment?  Four years of my life and now not a single drop of income.

All this has done is proven to me that 1) a job can be as detremental to one's health and wellbeing as a bad relationship can and 2) I hate everything that corporate america is.

Corporations can get away with murder and other 'unhumane' acts because they are not really human.  There is nothing personable about them.  In the same way, working for one is like working for a computer.  There is no one to thank you for the tremendous work you did for them and no one to share your concerns with.  You are a number and not a person so, therefore, you will not be treated as a human.  It's quite a sad entity and I truly believe, for the future safety of all humans, they must be done away with.

So, again, I am torn.  I have such strong convictions and believe I have a purpose on this planet - whatever it may be.  Is walking 'for fun' really what I should be doing right now?  

I suppose the best reason to do it, is to heal myself.  There's no better way to heal your soul than to connect yourself with the planet that provides you life.  And you can't help others until you help yourself.

I must be going through some post trail anxiety.  I keep dreaming I'm starting on the AT again.  Each dream involves me deciding at the last minute to start a thru-hike, getting out there and meeting everyone, and then realizing that I forgot some key items for my thru-hike (such as a stove, fuel, water treatment, food, etc.).  After realizing that it's easy to get off the trail and get said item(s) it occurs to me that in my last minute haste, I also started with no savings.  Last night there were all sorts of people starting a thru-hike that I knew (people I've hiked with, people I work with, and old friends).  I was quite distraught trying to figure out what my plans were and what I was thinking - being all the way in Georgia with no money and without proper equipment.  Maybe it's because it's that time of year.  The official start date is April 1 and there's already a ton of people who've begun.  It's fresh on my mind because I've been updating my trailjournals....finally!  I also am giving a presentation at REI at the end of this month - slideshow and everything.  I'm nervous because I'm much better at speaking in front of children rather than adults.  I have no idea how it will turn out.  In the meantime, all I know is that I'm kinda depressed I'm not backpacking right now.

I finally saw "Into the Wild" tonight.  I really wish I had seen it in the theater, just because it is one of those magical films that should be felt on the big screen.  Nonetheless, it was a beautiful movie.  I knew I would like it because I have such wanderlust in me.  The story follows a young man who senses how constricting society is and follows his journey as he brakes away from it.  If only....  Anyway, as I was saying, I have that same feeling in me after hiking the AT.  I lived in a utopian society where everything was ideal and everyone was free.  That's exactly what this young man was striving for, only he found total freedom in the wilderness of Alaska.  Although the wilderness eventually took him, he was able to experience what he'd been longing for.  I don't think I'll ever be fully satisfied with what I have.  I will continue to long for the unknown, that sense of freedom.  Ahh....it was really a beautiful movie. 

After 8 full weeks of unemployment, I have finally given up working for the man and have landed a job with a very nice couple who run their own home business. I will be assisting with the home-schooling of their 7 year old son, as well as taking care of their 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter. They are all adorable and the family as a whole is easy to get along with.

I am so ecstatic to finally have money again (although for now, it will all be going to my credit card that I racked up while unemployed). I'm done with the flooding of resumes, the writing of cover letters and the hassle of interviews. I feel so relieved. The best news..... I can finally go out (and travel) with friends and not feel utterly guilty because I'm spending someone else's money (thank you Rich). Not only has Rich been paying all the bills and rent and buying groceries, but he's even given me an "allowance" when going out of town for gigs. Is that not pathetic?! But not anymore! I will (finally) be self sufficient and not a total deadbeat girlfriend. I can finally contribute to the milk supply. hooray! I can't wait to start. Jordan (the oldest) is even learning Spanish which I am working on myself, so I'll come out of this smarter than I started. Also, the husband runs his own video production company so I may be able to get Rich some paid gigs doing sound production for him.

I am so excited. It's been a long time since I nannied, but it was such a fun job. I loved my two little boys. I have also applied to work at REI, so maybe I can get some part time hours for some extra cash and a heavily used discount. In addition, I will also be assisting Rich's boss (who runs his own growing sound company) with filing and office work which will be needed extra cash. I seriously cannot believe I'm about to be self sufficient. Thank the Lord. My spirits have been down for so long.

I am so gracious to have had such a loving supportive boyfriend who was willing to take care of me and say "honey, don't get depressed cause you're not working. let's go camping instead." Now I just have to make sure I get enough money racked up in savings and what-not so that when Rich is in the same position (a lack of gigs), I'll be able to support us on my salary.

Happy day, happy day!

While cleaning off a bookshelf, I came across a notebook from my freshman year at State.  Written 12/4/96, the following are my goals:

 -follow God and Jesus Christ

-be happy and satisfied

-happily married forever

-raise a good Christian family

-my husband make enough to support us

-be a good mother, supportive

-keep music in mine and my family's life 

 

hmm.....  it just goes to show how much people change throughout the course of their life.   Apparently I wanted to be a house wife and be cleaning up little kids all day while my husband is off working a 9 to 5 job.  :-p  At 18, my future looked completely different than it does now.

 

Upon turning the piece of paper over, I found I had listed the qualities I wanted in a guy.

 -religious and faithful

-loves music

-loves children

-likes dogs

-wants kids

-humorous

-friendly, kind

-open, expressive

-likes the outdoors, camping

-romantic

-smart, preferably a computer person

 

....okay, pretty standard until you get to the "preferably a computer person".  hi-larious.   

Well, after working for a wonderful non-profit organization in philly for the past 4 months it is time to move on.  I guess I'm not the right person for the job.  As much as I fell in love with this place, and the people, and my job responsibilities, it is not in the cards.  I'm sure there is a much better candidate out there who can fulfill the needs even more. 

 Now comes the question: what do I want to be when I grow up?

 I think I was destined to spend the rest of my life not knowing what's around the corner.  In my younger years I had everything planned out - go to college, get married, have kids, be a housewife, and fill in my time volunteering (PTA, Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts, etc).  It's finally starting to sink in that I am not cut out for regularity.  It is something I've always known but hoped against.  It is so much easier to live life knowing exactly what's coming.  I must shine a lot brighter when I'm put on the spot.  :-p  I'm a "jack of all trades and master of none".  People like me shouldn't have steady lives.  I'm just at a loss of where to go next.

In other news, I'm auditioning for a band.  I'm quite excited because I have a feeling this could progress my career as a singer.  I would be singing backup for Marc Silver and his band.  They are a regular touring folky/indy/bluegrassy band.  Sounds perfect, right?    If I make this band I will be so pleased with myself.  It all just kind of fell together.  I really hope I gel well with these guys.  As far as networking alone, this would be the perfect opportunity. 

 Alright, so here's where I'm at.  I'd like to stick w/ music and the outdoors as my career path.  I'd like to continue working w/ a non-profit agency of some sort --the idea of going back to the corporate world disgusts me.  So..... any ideas? 

today was my first day walking to work while it was snowing.  cities look so beautiful in the snow!  i just love seeing everyone all bundled up and snowflakes landing in their hair. 

 the best part......

i get to watch the snow fall from my window after i get to work.  i love having an office with a window.  i repositioned the furniture after i got here just so i could look out of it.  the snow just keeps falling and falling and falling....